Yesterday Pete and I had our big bopper ultrasound and it’s a girl! It was an AMAZING experience and lasted much longer than I expected. You’re in a typical doctor’s office, me reclined in the patient chair and Pete in the guest chair next to me. The lights are off and there’s a big monitor on the wall. The lady doc spends about 30 minutes exploring my belly with the ultrasound device showing us all sorts of fascinating things like kidneys, brain, spine, heartbeat, and the whole time our little girl is moving and twisting and rolling and at times folding in some sort of interesting fetus style yoga. We didn’t cry, but both of us were mesmerized, falling so deeply in love with this tiny little 7 oz baby that’s just hanging out in my belly. It’s so very real now and I can’t begin to explain the affect it has had – all wonderful and supremely emotional. I’m super glad we decided to find out because knowing the sex makes me feel that much closer to her, especially since we can now call her by her name. Not telling what that is yet! Maybe soon. Or maybe it will remain a secret until this little girl finds her way into the world. Pete is over the moon and bursting with joy. Last night before bed he said “how is it that she’s already so pretty and I love her so much?” I’m fighting tears just typing that. Wow. I would never have guessed it could be this powerful.
And of course along with all this joy and love and heightened sense of reality comes the inevitable motherly worry. I was not expecting this to rear it’s head already, but it damn near slapped me in the face and sent me into an anxiety attack this morning. I had coffee. I have coffee everyday. But today it was kickin’ much stronger than usual. I have no idea why, but shortly after I finished one cup I went into caffeine shock. Nothing super serious, but I was clearly on overdrive complete with shakiness, blurry vision and a horrible jittery feeling. I’ve been there before and it was no bigs, but today I freaked out. All I could think was if I feel like this how does my baby feel?! I felt so terribly sad and guilty, like I had somehow harmed my daughter, like she might be experiencing some awful discomfort that she couldn’t possibly understand and it was all my fault. It sent me on a frenzied search of the interweb for what the ramifications could be and how to remedy them. Of course time and water were the only answers, and after a little IM convo with my coworker Shelly, I felt better. But holy shit. If I’m having that kind of reaction while still pregnant, I can’t even fathom the anxiety that could accompany an actual newborn! Breathe! It will be fine. It’s good that I’m getting some of it out of the way now. It’s just because it’s all so new. I refuse to be one of those overprotective nutjob mothers. Caffeine high is over. And now I just have to pee every 5 minutes from all the water.
Mostly, I’m just so happy. I love my little family. It’s almost too much for my heart to handle.